casimir paluski day

i'm more than a little displeased with yesterday's entry. to show vulnerability, masked by nothing more than faux-anger, leaves me with this bitter taste in my mouth. i think sometimes i like to over-emphasize those things that upset me, so that i can cast the light away from my own problems, my own ever-growing bullshit problems.

i wonder - would god laugh in my face if i came before him right now and offered him everything i had? would he look at me and say, "but you have nothing to offer me. i created everything." well, i don't have anything to offer, other than my life. but that gets hard to do. the walk, and the talk in this instance, are both tough to pull off.

so instead of digging in, i extend outward all of my displeasures. i criticize this fake president and phony moral leadership. i say that we're afraid when really, i think we're too naive to be afraid. i point every one of my fingers outward, so that even my thumbs aren't pointing back at myself.

let me set something straight right now. the anger i seem to have at authority, at those who utilize this system for their own selfish gain, is a direct attempt to cover up my own insecurity; that grave feeling in me that i'm not worth the space i take up.

so here in this space, while still reserving the right to vent until my fingers fall off, i will strive to shoot straight, to tell you when i'm scared, when i feel alone, to be honest with myself and the few of you who read this. because you are my dear friends, my family. you are my loved ones. and to you, i owe nothing more than everything i have.

i got the acceptance this week and i'm scared. in january, if every door opens, i will leave for virginia, to grad school. a school, ironically enough, run by the same maniacal man who on every other day of the week, i can't stand the sight of. god's greatest laugh must come at the hands of irony.

but i'm scared and i wish i wasn't. i want to go, if god wants me to go. but how will i know? as an almost 24-year-old, i don't feel that i've been directly spoken to. or more exact- i don't think i've ever stayed still long enough to hear the voice, calling from that other-wordly place. i want to do what's right, to go where i'm supposed to go. but i feel like i'm on the highwway and i'm afraid i'm going to miss the exit.

this seems like the logical place to go. college, graduate studies, journalism. meeting people and growing as a young christian. but what if this is just god's smoke screeen? what if i get there and i wasn't to be there...will i still be allowed to make the trek? i want answers. and the patience to wait for them. but right now, i have neither.

i'm tired now. so long for now. be still. and listen. i hope that treats you well.

shall i leave with a lyric from the new sufjan stevens' album? yes, i shall.

all the glory that the lord has made
and the complications when i see his face
in the morning in the window

all the glory when he took our place
when he took my shoulders and shook my face
and he takes, and he takes, and he takes