with all the ? marks
This is a question that will float into the air, like a balloon in the wind...but maybe that's what questions are meant to do...
How is it that we reconcile with those things our brain tells us to disbelieve?
It has become, in essence, the defining question of my twenties. I can't seem to let unbridled faith play the integral part in life that it once did. I was never strong enough, of course, but it had its place in the past. And yet, these days, I can't seem to disconnect my "knowledge" of this world (whatever that means exactly) and those things that I want to believe. There seems, to my eyes, to be too great a gap between what my mind knows and what my soul wants to feel.
I've often wondered if spiritual faith is actually just the greatest sccare tactic ever forced upon me. It has become almost impossible to escape the thoughts and beliefs that were instilled upon me at a young age. You know what there are if you've ever spent any time in the church. You are told to believe these things because they are righteous, true, real, important, and the only reason for living. And yet, the subtext, whether implied or verbally spoken, is that you are to believe these things because if you don't....you will pay prices greater than you can imagine.
The fear factors of Sunday school.
The problem with this for me has always been that the fear seems to overshadow the faith. Even now, when I'm struggling with religion and spirituality and Christianity more than ever before, I feel and hear things in my psyche. Things that say, You know this is the truth! Come back! I feel and hear these things in my head and in my heart, but how real are they?
I've been so inundated with fear over the years that I can't determine if these voices are geniune calls from a creator or if it's just my subconscious, ever so softly reminding me that all that I was taught says that I'm going to hell, and hell is coming soon, if I don't turn this ship around quickly.
The fear of being wrong is slowly overpowering the joy of being right. And that's what I'm struggling with and have been struggling with and only feel comfortable bringing up on this page, which as we've already established, is probably not being read. For the time being, that's probably a good thing. I can use this as my sounding board. Maybe I can talk some things out for myself.
We'll see.
How is it that we reconcile with those things our brain tells us to disbelieve?
It has become, in essence, the defining question of my twenties. I can't seem to let unbridled faith play the integral part in life that it once did. I was never strong enough, of course, but it had its place in the past. And yet, these days, I can't seem to disconnect my "knowledge" of this world (whatever that means exactly) and those things that I want to believe. There seems, to my eyes, to be too great a gap between what my mind knows and what my soul wants to feel.
I've often wondered if spiritual faith is actually just the greatest sccare tactic ever forced upon me. It has become almost impossible to escape the thoughts and beliefs that were instilled upon me at a young age. You know what there are if you've ever spent any time in the church. You are told to believe these things because they are righteous, true, real, important, and the only reason for living. And yet, the subtext, whether implied or verbally spoken, is that you are to believe these things because if you don't....you will pay prices greater than you can imagine.
The fear factors of Sunday school.
The problem with this for me has always been that the fear seems to overshadow the faith. Even now, when I'm struggling with religion and spirituality and Christianity more than ever before, I feel and hear things in my psyche. Things that say, You know this is the truth! Come back! I feel and hear these things in my head and in my heart, but how real are they?
I've been so inundated with fear over the years that I can't determine if these voices are geniune calls from a creator or if it's just my subconscious, ever so softly reminding me that all that I was taught says that I'm going to hell, and hell is coming soon, if I don't turn this ship around quickly.
The fear of being wrong is slowly overpowering the joy of being right. And that's what I'm struggling with and have been struggling with and only feel comfortable bringing up on this page, which as we've already established, is probably not being read. For the time being, that's probably a good thing. I can use this as my sounding board. Maybe I can talk some things out for myself.
We'll see.
posted by gabe at
8:05 PM
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