on the surface of a perforated sphere

With the acceptance that this post will reek of irony, I want to write about forgiveness. Or more specifically, my lackthereof in certain instances. Why is this aspect of love, questionably the most important, the most difficult to pull off? I would guess, in my finite amount of given wisdom, that it's a pride issue. We get hurt, burned, scarred, screwed, tortured, bled dry, talked about, forgotten, underappreciated, pissed on, slandered, libeled and slapped around and it takes everything we have left to pick the pieces back up and turn the other cheek. It bruises our souls, our bodies, our egos when we are hurt and therefore, because of that human pride, it sometimes seems impossible to let go of the hurt and to truly forgive as we have been forgiven.

But what does it mean to "turn the other cheek?" It sounds like just another empty Christian phrase said by people trying to help people who've been hurt. But more often than not, it just sounds like bullshit. It's like telling a drunk to give "all their worries to Christ." It doesn't mean anything in the middle of crisis; it just sounds like you're speaking from your pedestal to the peons below. How do we begin to turn the other cheek? And how far should we have to go in forgiveness? It's my main struggle right now....not knowing how much to forgive. Yes, I understand. Seven times seventy, but what is the line between forgiveness and putting yourself in the same position you were in when you got burned the first time? I don't understand the boundaries between love, forgiveness, and self protection. Because it would seem to me that the only way we're going to avoid certain hurt (the same certain hurt that true love can forgive in advance, before it even happens) is to avoid that situation which will break our hearts.

How much pain are we to endure in order to show Christ's love? I know that no pain compares to taking everything on the Cross, but again, those are just words to me, because even if I can try to understand the hurt and pain that Christ took on for me, for us, I can't really grasp it. It's like wishing for an infinite amount of money...there's no way to contemplate that because it's beyond our mental capacities. So therefore, my question remains, to what lengths do I have to go to show Christ's love? Is it enough to simply forgive, let the offender know they are forgiven and then remove yourself from the situation? Or do I have to go back into the dark cave from which my pain and suffering came in the first place? If Christ says that my burden is light, how can I go back to these places? I would guess that because you'll say true love forgives in advance, and realizes that it is not the one truly being hurt by wrong-doing, then I should venture back into that territory when pain exists. But from that, I gather, you're telling me that a true loving Christian feels no pain, that true love rises above all forms of hurt because the Bible says that true love hardly notices when it's done wrong.

But there's a difference, my friend, between hardly noticing and not noticing. I think I'm speaking in circles and probably not making any sense because for the life of me, I can't figure this all out. I claim to have forgiven, but in trying to forget, I've refused to go back to that place of hurt; I've refused to allow the memories to dissipate. Therefore, the question remains...have I forgiven at all? It's said that true forgiveness may mean not getting phsyically ill when you hear the name of the person who hurt you.

But I'm sure as hell not there yet. My blood still boils at the name. My chest still tightens with the memories. My head still pounds with anger and frustration and sometimes, on my worst days, pure unadulterated hatred aimed at the one who caused this feeling in my stomach. How terrible is that to say....that on some days, I hate someone. It's sad and embarassing, but I'm willing to bet that others have thoughts like that too. So what do I do?

I need to let go, but I don't know how. I need to walk away but I don't know which way to go. I need to show love, but I don't understand true love, so how can I display it? I need to have a life-changing epiphany about love. That's the only thing that's going to change this situation. God will have to show me something, because I've exhausted, as always, all of my earthly abilities to rid myself of this anger and hurt.

I'm giving up because there's nothing left to do. I'm hoping that I will be healed....I'm hoping to be forgiven for the millioneth time, so that I can truly forgive for the first time.