alphus

i wonder during our brief encounter
what your life is like.
as you scan the cd into the computer
and tell me to sign in the box,
i wonder if you are happy
i wonder, secretly of course, because
i don't want to be the kind of person
who asks these questions out loud,
if you've ever experienced the love of a woman

you looked young, probably 17
and by your appearance, i feared
that you had known torment in high school
that's if someone whose parents named their son, alphus
would allow him into the halls of a publicly-funded
institution
i'd guess that perhaps you were home schooled
you looked smart
behind the glasses that were too big for your face

i asked, because i felt the desire to show you that i cared,
if your day had been busy
"off and on" you told me with a smile
that's when i almost cried
the same tears i often feel the need to cry
for people i deem to have social interaction problems
the same tears i cry in self-awareness when
someone doesn't care about their appearance,
doesn't care if they look cool,
and yet for all the things in the world,
i still, on three out of four days,
try to look cool.

before the tears could physically manifest themselves,
i left you and immediately felt the guilt i've felt before
who in the hell am i to cry for you?
maybe it's you, alphus, who should be crying for me
because i'm still so of this world that i wore a wristband
on an arm that was in no way actively involved
in any sort of activity that would result in arm sweat
because i was the one in the designer coat,
hoping that someone would recognize that i've lost weight
because i was the one buying the ultra-hip cd
and thought that that should earn me points

i don't know you, alphus.
chances are i'll never see you again.
chances are that you're a good person
i could see it in your face
but i know the way people are
i know how i used to be
i know that you're the butt of jokes
and the target for all the insecurities of people around you.
i get the feeling that you are kind and that you smile a lot.
i got the urge to hug you and tell you i love you and what you stand for in a world
that so often doesn't stand for a damn thing

i wanted to lean in and shake your hand.
because to me, you were real
and i was fake
and trying so desperately to seem nonchalant

but it was you,
in all of your cool uncoolness
that shook my core.

it was you, alphus,
a boy whose name is not suited for a dog,
that showed me something true