love is watching someone die

The absense of phsical strength is certainly a jolt to the sense. All day and last night, I've been fighting off a flu, a vicious bastard that has robbed me of my ability to stand strong and inhale properly. I've been a stuffy, nauseous mess for the better part of two days. I feel tired and out of the loop; I feel like I have nothing to write about. But I want to write.

I've been offered another position with Relevant Magazine. This time, it's for movie reviews on relevantmagazine.com. I'm pretty excited about it becuase the editor said he was really impressed with my writing, but I don't know how it will turn out. I'm still nervous about going to school -- what if I rushed into it? Or only went because I felt pressured?? I guess these are the questions I'm going to have to deal with.

Lately, I've been listening to Plans by Death Cab for Cutie. And you know, so often, people think that a Christian can only be motivated by Christian music. But I don't believe that. And I don't care to fight the philosophical battle over it, either. But this album, not unlike Coldplay's X&Y, just strikes a chord in me. I can't really explain it and I don't really think others would understand it, but sometimes, music can just speak to me; lift me up and I think that even though the music is pointedly Christian, Christ can still use this music to help me out, to teach me.

I've been pondering this one song on the album. It's called "What Sarah Said," and it tells about the singer's time in an emergency room, waiting to hear the news about a terminally-ill love. It's a brutal song from start to finish and yet, I find it uplifitng.

"Love is watching someone die,"--that's what Sarah's says and in a lot of ways, that's true. I wonder what it would be like to love someone for so long and then watch them die. And the death could even be figurative; dying to the world, or dying to one's self. There's a lot of meaning that you can take out of this if you're willing to give it a chance.

Right now, I think of it as more of a bad thing. Love is watching someone die. Like how I feel about New Orleans right now. I love the people but here I am, watching them die. Because I haven't done my part; I haven't helped enough. And the church, love exemplified, often watches while terrible things happen, while people die.

Maybe I'm just on the crazy pills, waiting for the Tylenol Allergy meds to kick. I need to sleep. I need rest. I think that's what I'm being told through this. Rest. And I will try to do that.