1/1/08

i don't know how to breath
when everything collides
i feel no pain at this moment
but when i wake up tomorrow
feeling that general malaise
i will remember this time
when i allow myself to drown in self-pity
i am not worthless
i am not alone
i am not even, believe it or not, sad
but there is a place in my mind
where the perceptions of loneliness and joy meet
a place where i find myself often, pondering
if i was only with you, i tell myself
things would be better
but there is no "you" to be with
there is only the golden idol that i've created in my mind
there are moments when i sit passively
and allow my mind to wander
all the way back to where you are
in the corners of my mind
that place i put you so i don't have to deal
with the constant image of your face
the incessant sound of your voice
i store you away and close my eyes
trying desperately to convinvce myself
that you are nothing more than a figment
of someone's imagination
that beautiful you could not possibly exist
in a world as violent and ugly as this
you could not possibly inhabit the same space
as those that i read about and encounter
on a daily basis
so i hide you in tupperware
and lock you away
hoping that the symbolism that i've created and placed upon you
will remain fresh in the expanse of my mind
and one day, i convince myself
all things will be made clear
all memory will be erased
i tell myself that maybe then i could be happy
because even though i know it's the greatest fallacy i will ever believe,
i still think spanning time with you would make me complete
because the truth is that i'm still learning
how to be strong enough to fully support myself
learning how to be happy without the interference
of another warm body beside mine,
another brain to theorize with,
another cheek to kiss
i still allow myself to believe that i am a puzzle
waiting to be completed by the jagged-edged piece
that is you.
why can i not let this go?
why can i not turn around and
allow myself some semblance of contentedness
and here at the beginning of a new year,
one of two holidays created specifically
to make you feel bad about yourself
i ask these questions out loud
because i don't know how else to internalize
all of these thoughts
i am a well dried up
free of any kind of reasoning or understanding
i am not desperate, depressed, or sad
i am just absolutely confused
about so many thoughts bursting in my head
like
explosions in the sky