the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did

For the past, hmm, two years or so, I've been deeply convicted about my inability to forgive and forget. I can't do it. I've tried and tried and I think now, it's finally catching up with me. My inability to let go of the past is starting to eat at my soul, munching at my heart and it's killing me.

But how does one truly forgive? How does one truly let go of past hurts? I don't know what to do and I feel like I need to do something about it now or it's only going to get worse. And I know what some of you might be thinking - give your troubles to God and He'll take them away.

And while that is most certainly true, it has proven, to this point anyway, invaluable information at best. You can give something away with your mouth, but your mind, and the evil forces that manage to get in there from time to time, won't let you get rid of it.

In my mind, I make up scenarios. A year ago, it was revegnge scenarios....fights, both with the tongue and fists. At my job, where I work for the majority of time on my own, I would constantly replay conversations, actions, etc, nit-picking everything, making up my own stories. Letting my mind get so far ahead of me that I would literally forget where I was. I would blackout in a sea of anger and rage and thoughts of avenging my broken heart. But then it would pass for a time. Only to resurface way too soon.

I feel it important to mention here that this hurt I'm feeling is not the direct result of any romantic relationships I've been involved in. Usually, one just assumes that past hurt is more often than not related to a breakup or something like that. But that's not the case here.

I was, like many, many before me, betrayed by a friend, stabbed in the back, gutted and then left for dead. I was told to accept it as my lot, forgive and try to move on. To that, I say with all sincerity, "Fuck you." Trust, the one thing that can never be fully granted again after it's been taken advantage of. Perhaps the same can be said of love. Perhaps the two are more intertwined than we first believed.

But is it me? Should I just move on? What exactly does Christ want me to do? Does he simply want me to forgivve? Is it that easy? Or am I also to forget, to set myself in a position where this could happen again? Why doesn't my Bible come with cliff notes?

So I wonder, quietly, and sometimes aloud, what am I to do? How long is too long to hold onto this? I've held it to long and now I will try again to give it to the one who takes care of these things. I may seem flippant about it, but I'm adament in my attempt to turn this over to christ and let him take it. But it's hard and I know some people can relate to this.

But, as with all things, trust and forgiveness are a direct descendant/relative of love, the same love that only days agao I wrote about wanting to show more of, to show unconditionally. Well, this seems to fly right in the face of that, but at least I'm trying to be honest. I will try.