hanging on a star

the following is just a list of things going on in my life. no stabs at poetry. no attempts at humor. just shooting straight. of course, if it is funny, that's just because i'm a naturally funny person (and so humble to boot).

four days ago my father flew into delhi, india. two days ago, some terrorists set off three bombs in a crowded market in that very city, killing at least 60. fear not, my father, by that time, had flown to south india to visit a doctor friend of his and visit a church, the bread of life church, that we helped plant.

unfortunately, it's the rainy season there and i think my father is scared. it rains 24 hours a day, bodies are strewn all over the ground and trains are derailing off of tracks because of all the rain. wouldn't be a problem if my father didn't have a 7-hour train ride in front of him tomorrow. i worry for him because i know he's worried.

i missed his phone call today. i was sitting right there at breakfast. i didn't recognize the number at first, but i should have answered. why didn't i answer the phone? his message was somber and sad, the words of someone who, even in the path of god's light, sure wishes he wasn't in bumblefuck, india. i wish he was home...please think of him and pray for his safety.

in his two previous trips, nothing had happened that could really be considered dangerous...at least not to me. but this is real and kinda scares the shit out of me. and i know that somewhere in his heart, even with a trust and faith that's stronger than anything i've ever seen, he's scared.

when he left the first time, we said goodbye. and i saw it in his eyes. it was that look that says "if this is the last time we meet, know that i loved you. and i tried my best. and we'll meet again."

it happened again at the airport the other day. i waited with him and when we couldn't wait any longer we said our goodbyes. as he walked to the check in gate, i walked away, toward the exit. i turned back and so did he. and i waived. and then we turned and kept walking. there was a great distance between when i heard him yell my name. i turned. he was walking towards me so i walked back. he put his arm around me, "i love you. i don't know if i said it just then."

i want him back.
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for the past three weeks, i've been emailing back and forth with someone who has caused me a great deal of torment over the past three years. it's borderline ridiculous, the conversation topics we use while avoiding the real crux of why we haven't spoken in years. but it's a start. i'm trying to forgive and i think i'm getting there.

it's going to take time i know, because i'm still not ready to let go of the hurt and walk on. but i think that my heart is being prepared to do just that. we will see.

i don't have much else to add to that one
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so for those who don't know yet, and i thik that's just a few of you, i'm not going to virginia; not now anyway. the decision was officially made yesterday, it was unofficially made about three weeks ago. i don't know what the future will hold. i think i'm going to move out of mom's but i'm not sure where i'll end up; i think i'm going to leave the restaurant and find other work, but for the time being, i'm not really sure what the future holds.

for those i've talked to about this, i'm thankful for your support. it was hard enough to declare that i was leaving everybody, but for some reason, it was even harder to say that i wasn't going. i felt embarassed and silly; but you're my friends and family, why wouldn't you show support? i underestimated you, and i'm sorry.

so we'll see what happens
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