I was just in the shower and while I was in there, I wondered if I had hit a slump with my blog. It had been weeks since I last posted and I thought that most of us had taken a longer than normal amount of time since our last writing.

But as I was surfing around later, I saw that several of you had posted. That was refreshing to see and as is alwasy the case, I feel inspired to write now; probably moreso out of a "keeping up with the jones'" mentality, but really any excuse to write is a good excuse.

As a precursor of what's to come, I need to say this first. This group, this whatever-you-want-to-call it that all of us have formed into is something incredibly special to me. I'd never before experienced this kind of unity and love shared amongst people. I'd never been in a position to spend time in others' homes and eat with them. I'd never been one to intentionally spend time with others. But this was different. From our meager start, I knew that this was different for me.

For some of you, this is just another go-around. Not "just another" as in "same old thing, new situation." But "just another" as in you've tried this before to varying degrees of success. You've been around this block a few times; you've felt the pains before and experienced the highs of community. But to me, this is new. And maybe that's why it gets hard for me sometimes.

And I guess that's part of the reason why I'm writing right now. For those who need to hear it, and there are a few of you, I'm sorry for my lack of committment to what we're doing here. Lately, I fear I've been a little reluctant to really dig deeper into this community. I'll get close and then pull up just short of totally going over the edge.

I notcied during the past few times when a good conversation comes up, that I don't have much to add. Sometimes it's just that...I don't have much to add. Other times, I just don't feel inclined to speak up because sometimes I'm afraid that what I say will be taken the wrong way and then I'll spend 20 minutes trying to explain myself. Truthfully, sometimes I'm just not up to the self-examination part of life. It's too much work to look inside myself sometimes and I don't think I'm alone.

There are some of you I need to be more committed to as far as conversations go. I get scared, to be honest, that any conversation will lead to me hating myself and what I am. I'm afraid to let us converse because there's a lot of residue inside that, once exposed, will surely reek of piss. I'm still afraid to let you see inside because you might not like what's staring back at you.

There are others that I've let down in the past. Let's boil that down to me being a shitty friend sometimes. It's a strain that runs in all of my plutonic relationships. When things get rough, I turn. There's a line in a song I heard recently that goes like this....

"I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke, and who's still standing when it clears."

And I think that fits me sometimes. I get scared when others hurt because I think my words are so inconsequentail in their effect that they're actually more damning than just saying nothing. So to avoid situations completely, I run the other way and hope that no one sees when slip into the night. I'm sorry. It's not you that's causing this....it's me and my inability to think that maybe my simple presence will help you in ways that words never will. I will try hardedr in the future not to leave you high and dry. You're too important to me for this to continue on the same. Please accept these words....they're all I've got.

So I think that's it's for now. I just wanted to s ay a few words about some things. Thanks to everyone else for posting because that's what inspires me to sit down myself.

I love you all dearly. see you soon.