passenger seat

from the mind of ben gibbard
--------
i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in

the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat
as you are driving me home

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try

to tell the difference between
shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat
as you are driving me home

do they collide?
i ask

and you smile.

with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter

when you feel embarassed
then i'll be your pride
when you need directions
then i'll be the guide

for all time.

Riley Connor

You're small, but full of life
You're young, but there's age in your eyes
To see the innocence in you,
is to see the face of God

I would name you Riley Connor
and in an instant, I would love you
Life forever changing,
amidst this creation-mix
of skin and bones and soul

She would carry you for awhile
Then in an instant,
you would vacate

For a second, I would cry for you
I would shed tears for bringing
you into a world so full of hurt

But then, later in the day,
holding you or looking at you,
I would cry for another reason

because you are mine.
and I am yours.
and come fire, rain, demons, or death,
that's never going to change.

I would name you Riley Connor
Not in memory of anybody,
not because Daddy's Daddy's middle
name once sounded like that
but because I wanted to

Scared to death, you'd make
the long venture to your new home.
I would do my best to
pretend to know what I was
doing. I would fail you often.

But never on purpose or with
evil intent.
But just because I was learning
how to cope with something
new and awe-inspiring.

In the night, when you sent
that shrill alarming call,
I would come to you.
And hold you. And whisper in your
ear that in me, you have found
a true companion and protector.

In me, for now, you have salvation.

I would watch you sleep. because
nothing brings peace like watching
a beautiful woman sleep. and I would touch
your face - you, the result of a love
like no other, would fill my heart
with the cement of life. it would be heavy,
dripping love from its ventricles, falling like
rain drops on your head.

i'd kiss your mother and thank her
for you. for what she went through. for
sharing this with me.

we'd look down on you
and know that God exists. we'd look down on you
and know this is for real. and everything, from this
day to the last day, will be done for you.

you, my Riley.

one word

to my baby on St. Hallmark's day...
--------------------------------------------
like a puzzle with no missing pieces,
our love fits...
feels right, clicks....

emancipation came in the form of you
i was a prisoner, your love set me free
when you hurt, i cry
when you're happy, i jump toward the sky
with a kind of absolute bliss that's
usually reserved for people
who win the lottery...

in your attempts to find yourself,
i've given myself to you and in that,
maybe there is peace and hope and life
and light and redemption and love and
all those things that we search for
like a long-lost treasure...

the only thing missing is the map,
the blueprint, that makes all of this
seem right.

fighting, just waiting for the polaroid
to become clear, so that when they look at us
all they see is one coherent image

to die for someone, is that real?
i think i would die for you.
i would certainly die for all that you stand for
for the chance to hold you again and not worry
about anything or anyone....................

if we weren't separated by
a thousand miles,
i would whisper in your ear
that everything is fine and safe
and right in the world.

if we were any closer, i would reach out my arms
and take you in. squeeze the life out of your chest.
squeeze the hurt right out of your soul.

and as it seeped from your insides, i would consume
it whole, in the hopes that its presence would never
trigger in you, again, what it had before.

when someone has faith in you,
undying, unrelenting faith,
then you know you have lived.
and have something to live for.

your faith in me is that mountain
always visible in the distance.

it's you who makes me whole.
it's you who put the warmth in summer...

if we were any farther away, we would
be circling back around toward each other again.

absense, whether making the heart grow fonder or not,
does something insides. it triggers all those feelings that are
repressed or underrepesented. absense breeds love, and that breeds,
if we're lucky, some sense of happiness and settling.

i will never be able to write the words here that i
wanted to write. no vision on paper, or computer screen,
will ever truly represent the things that i wish
i could say to you right now. but i will try.

When I look into your eyes, all my insecurities
set themselves straight. To look at you and bask
in everything that makes you wonderful, makes me a
better person. college education made me
book smart, but you, baby, made me real.

you didn't believe me the first time i said "it"
you thought i was crazy and naive and young and
without understanding of the implications that such
a word came with.

you were right. i was all those things. crazy.
young. naive. and without understanding.

but that didn't mean it wasn't as true then
as it is now. naivity only makes the feeling
more real. but we're not naive anymore.

we're old in love. elder statesman of this glorious
thing that can hurt so much. we're young at heart; old
at soul. and i still feel it. everyday.

sometimes, when i'm lonely, i hold an extra pillow
close to me and hope that, like pinnochio, this pillow
will jump to life and be filled with the air in your lungs; the
brown in your eyes; the warmth in your body; the
light in your soul. i squeeze and hold it
utnil i fall asleep and then, if i'm
lucky enough,
I meet you there. in that land where everything
is a blur and memory is inevitably taken. we talk there
and hold each other. and everything, in its own blue aze,
make perfect sense.

there is no hurt there, in that place. only love. only
us. and our motives, for better or worse, get replaced
by something more basic in nature: a man and a woman
spanning time together.

when morning rouses me from that place and lands
me back in this world, i feel the pangs of desperation.
for a second, again, you were all mine. all distractions were
gone. and then, in an instant, i'm back here.

in a place where pain is everywhere and you're
a thousand miles away. if i could be in charge of this all for one day,
i would bring you back to me. you would cross the gulf and fly homeward...

i would be looking away, so that i didn't see you at first. and then, because i
just sensed that you were near, i would turn to see you.
and again, as it did years ago, my heart would fall somewhere down into my legs,
and i would hold you until i bled into you.

i would hold you forever.

in that second

something i don't want to do.
but i do it.
and what are the penalties?
what is the price we pay
to wage war on those unwilling?

if we engage, will our
redemption be void?
if we do that thing that we
don't want to do,
will we be banished to a place
where all goes wrong?
a place where nothing is right?

i burn like a candle just lit
yet i flicker like one about
to extinguish.

in that second, when fate
meets reality,
what will happen to me?
to us?
what happens when all
else fails?

so you don't believe in truth,
then why do you say it
like you're right?
light gives way to blindness,
dark gives way to sight.

i saw you once,
standing alone in the middle
of a crowded room.
the posers parted
like the red sea under
god's command.
eyes met. synapses flashed.

hold me and make this right.
or i can, in time, die alone.

when all else leaves,
will you still be standing?

when shadows overtake
the earth,
will my light still shine?

in that second,
where destiny meets
the now, will i stand

...for anything?

or will i forever fall?