a blur

Your face sank
As if weighed down with an anchor
You said, "Don't joke about that."
I wasn't joking.
It was the name I've stockpiled away for a rainy day.
A name I have long loved.
But I would share it with you, if you just asked.
I wish the mental picture I snapped in that moment
had not yet blurred at the edges.
I think you proceeded to ruin the moment
on purpose
as to not let me believe for one second longer
that it was fate that led me to you
I think you sacrificed the moment
for my protection
But I wish you would
have just let me have that one sparkling sliver of time
to claim a connection
I wish you would have given me that much
-
There is pain
Instilled in some from an early age, others from later in life
seasons are not always so merry
I would go to the ends
of the earth for you to feel better.
A soft light wafts through the air.
It guides you, I hope, to happier times
Ends may be nothing more than
the start of future beginnings
I'd like to believe that
-
The voice on my phone
Is heavy, sad, tired.
"I've got to go so she won't be alone on Christmas."
Your love and kindness continue
Long after the marriage vows have been broken.
I salute your steadfastness, your kindness.
Yet my heart still breaks for you
-
I told a joke today at the expense
Of a good man at the party.
I do not feel he is below me;
We are equal.
But I relegated his importance
for the sake of a punchline.
It never takes too long
for me to remember
Just how repulsive I am;
to remember the odor in
the stench of my soul.
-
I had my last drink at 6:45 am
By that point, you had made it clear
to me why our paths may never align.
Always searching for some better,
healthier, faster, stronger,
BIGGER
Many of your insecurities laid bare
I appreciated the openness.
I do not pretend to know you well
but I would have wanted to.
Had I not already known what your reaction would be
I would have taken your hand in that cab
I had already spilled blood and guts
in the middle of rum-induced rambling
You smiled.
You said heartfelt words in return.
But you'd heard it before.
I am not original.
I've never claimed as much.
But I was honest.
I still remember
what I said.
It is not a blur.
Unlike everything else
which will soon fade
into the recesses of memory