hanging on a star

the following is just a list of things going on in my life. no stabs at poetry. no attempts at humor. just shooting straight. of course, if it is funny, that's just because i'm a naturally funny person (and so humble to boot).

four days ago my father flew into delhi, india. two days ago, some terrorists set off three bombs in a crowded market in that very city, killing at least 60. fear not, my father, by that time, had flown to south india to visit a doctor friend of his and visit a church, the bread of life church, that we helped plant.

unfortunately, it's the rainy season there and i think my father is scared. it rains 24 hours a day, bodies are strewn all over the ground and trains are derailing off of tracks because of all the rain. wouldn't be a problem if my father didn't have a 7-hour train ride in front of him tomorrow. i worry for him because i know he's worried.

i missed his phone call today. i was sitting right there at breakfast. i didn't recognize the number at first, but i should have answered. why didn't i answer the phone? his message was somber and sad, the words of someone who, even in the path of god's light, sure wishes he wasn't in bumblefuck, india. i wish he was home...please think of him and pray for his safety.

in his two previous trips, nothing had happened that could really be considered dangerous...at least not to me. but this is real and kinda scares the shit out of me. and i know that somewhere in his heart, even with a trust and faith that's stronger than anything i've ever seen, he's scared.

when he left the first time, we said goodbye. and i saw it in his eyes. it was that look that says "if this is the last time we meet, know that i loved you. and i tried my best. and we'll meet again."

it happened again at the airport the other day. i waited with him and when we couldn't wait any longer we said our goodbyes. as he walked to the check in gate, i walked away, toward the exit. i turned back and so did he. and i waived. and then we turned and kept walking. there was a great distance between when i heard him yell my name. i turned. he was walking towards me so i walked back. he put his arm around me, "i love you. i don't know if i said it just then."

i want him back.
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for the past three weeks, i've been emailing back and forth with someone who has caused me a great deal of torment over the past three years. it's borderline ridiculous, the conversation topics we use while avoiding the real crux of why we haven't spoken in years. but it's a start. i'm trying to forgive and i think i'm getting there.

it's going to take time i know, because i'm still not ready to let go of the hurt and walk on. but i think that my heart is being prepared to do just that. we will see.

i don't have much else to add to that one
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so for those who don't know yet, and i thik that's just a few of you, i'm not going to virginia; not now anyway. the decision was officially made yesterday, it was unofficially made about three weeks ago. i don't know what the future will hold. i think i'm going to move out of mom's but i'm not sure where i'll end up; i think i'm going to leave the restaurant and find other work, but for the time being, i'm not really sure what the future holds.

for those i've talked to about this, i'm thankful for your support. it was hard enough to declare that i was leaving everybody, but for some reason, it was even harder to say that i wasn't going. i felt embarassed and silly; but you're my friends and family, why wouldn't you show support? i underestimated you, and i'm sorry.

so we'll see what happens
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on the surface of a perforated sphere

With the acceptance that this post will reek of irony, I want to write about forgiveness. Or more specifically, my lackthereof in certain instances. Why is this aspect of love, questionably the most important, the most difficult to pull off? I would guess, in my finite amount of given wisdom, that it's a pride issue. We get hurt, burned, scarred, screwed, tortured, bled dry, talked about, forgotten, underappreciated, pissed on, slandered, libeled and slapped around and it takes everything we have left to pick the pieces back up and turn the other cheek. It bruises our souls, our bodies, our egos when we are hurt and therefore, because of that human pride, it sometimes seems impossible to let go of the hurt and to truly forgive as we have been forgiven.

But what does it mean to "turn the other cheek?" It sounds like just another empty Christian phrase said by people trying to help people who've been hurt. But more often than not, it just sounds like bullshit. It's like telling a drunk to give "all their worries to Christ." It doesn't mean anything in the middle of crisis; it just sounds like you're speaking from your pedestal to the peons below. How do we begin to turn the other cheek? And how far should we have to go in forgiveness? It's my main struggle right now....not knowing how much to forgive. Yes, I understand. Seven times seventy, but what is the line between forgiveness and putting yourself in the same position you were in when you got burned the first time? I don't understand the boundaries between love, forgiveness, and self protection. Because it would seem to me that the only way we're going to avoid certain hurt (the same certain hurt that true love can forgive in advance, before it even happens) is to avoid that situation which will break our hearts.

How much pain are we to endure in order to show Christ's love? I know that no pain compares to taking everything on the Cross, but again, those are just words to me, because even if I can try to understand the hurt and pain that Christ took on for me, for us, I can't really grasp it. It's like wishing for an infinite amount of money...there's no way to contemplate that because it's beyond our mental capacities. So therefore, my question remains, to what lengths do I have to go to show Christ's love? Is it enough to simply forgive, let the offender know they are forgiven and then remove yourself from the situation? Or do I have to go back into the dark cave from which my pain and suffering came in the first place? If Christ says that my burden is light, how can I go back to these places? I would guess that because you'll say true love forgives in advance, and realizes that it is not the one truly being hurt by wrong-doing, then I should venture back into that territory when pain exists. But from that, I gather, you're telling me that a true loving Christian feels no pain, that true love rises above all forms of hurt because the Bible says that true love hardly notices when it's done wrong.

But there's a difference, my friend, between hardly noticing and not noticing. I think I'm speaking in circles and probably not making any sense because for the life of me, I can't figure this all out. I claim to have forgiven, but in trying to forget, I've refused to go back to that place of hurt; I've refused to allow the memories to dissipate. Therefore, the question remains...have I forgiven at all? It's said that true forgiveness may mean not getting phsyically ill when you hear the name of the person who hurt you.

But I'm sure as hell not there yet. My blood still boils at the name. My chest still tightens with the memories. My head still pounds with anger and frustration and sometimes, on my worst days, pure unadulterated hatred aimed at the one who caused this feeling in my stomach. How terrible is that to say....that on some days, I hate someone. It's sad and embarassing, but I'm willing to bet that others have thoughts like that too. So what do I do?

I need to let go, but I don't know how. I need to walk away but I don't know which way to go. I need to show love, but I don't understand true love, so how can I display it? I need to have a life-changing epiphany about love. That's the only thing that's going to change this situation. God will have to show me something, because I've exhausted, as always, all of my earthly abilities to rid myself of this anger and hurt.

I'm giving up because there's nothing left to do. I'm hoping that I will be healed....I'm hoping to be forgiven for the millioneth time, so that I can truly forgive for the first time.

futurehead

Back in the day, there was awe in looking forward to the year 2000. As that mythical number came and went, fears were assuaged; hopes were raised. People actually thought there was a possibilty that better things lie ahead. Where has the hope gone?

What was once a future filled with promises of security and peace have been shattered by war-mongering, money laundering and greed. There is a sense that love is dead and the future is dark. That's what they want you to think. They want you to think that all hope is lost for this world, that there is nothing we can do but sit back and wait for they end.

And they call themselves Christians.

It's hard to shake the feeling that so many people enjoy waiting around for the return; hoping that if they keep all their attention aimed at the sky, they won't have to look around at the earth around them. It's easier to wait for a King than help a peasant.

Of course that's cynical, but the thoughts creep in and take hold sometimes. Look at the hurricans ravaging Florida and the Carribean. Is enough being done? Have our churches and our community done enough to help those brothers and sisters in need? Maybe. But more often than not, it seems we're all to eager to marvel at the rain and wind and declare that surely God's judgement has swooped down from the sky.

Who cares though? They practice witchcraft and voodoo in the deep South. Mardi Gras has a home on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Gays, oh my, the gays are running rampant. Won't someone send fire and ice to destroy their wickedness?

I don't buy it. I don't believe that we can stand by and not reach out in these times of need. How can we do nothing?

What is more obvious is that my cynical nature is directly related to my self hatred. Have I done enough? Have I reached out to my brothers and sisters? Or do I mask that by bashing the church? How easy that's become.

Forgive me for not being everything I should be. I would hope that in the future there's a place for people like me....failures, quitters, liars, cheaters and stealers who still want to do right in their hearts. Who still want to seek out the Father and his Wisdom. Because right now, I'm falling off the road, into some ditch, not unlike the one that runs parrellel to a dirt road in Perry County.

I was going to write about forgiveness. But the irony was too heavy...someone in dire need of forgiveness himself trying to write about forgiving others. The thought repulsed me, as does the rest of this post that you've already read. I'd delete it, knowing the words I could possibly hear in retort....knowing that my own insecurities shine brightest among the criticisms I've thrown at the institution.

My insides are visible through the wounded flesh. There's no more hiding what everyone can very clearly see. If only I was invisible, or so tightly guarded that even God himself could not enter. Then maybe my soul wouldn't be laid bare for all to see.

Maybe in the future we find redemption for all these things we've done.

ten things

it's been almost 2 weeks since i've written. for some reason, i can't get the energy to do it. oftentimes, i blame my computer. it's an easy way out. but i need to get back into things.

so to do that, here are 10 things i've learned in the last week.

1. The Amityville Horror is not a great movie. Sure it has its share of jumps and scares but it's a pretty shallow movie. Smitty said it wasn't too scary -- this coming from someone who plugs here ears shut every time creepy music starts palying. The movie does however confirm one life-long suspicion I've had --- Long Island is weird and its inhabitants are most likely aliens.

2. Kathleen Edwards and David Gray are two of the great singer/songwriters out there right now. Edwards' latest, the name of which escapes me (no that's not the title...the name of the album literally escapes me), and Gray's, Life in Slow Motion, are both great listens. If any of you illegally download, A) you should be ashamed of yourself and B) if you're going to do it anyway, then find some tunes by these two.

3. My years of living and dying at the sword of Penn State football have apparently come to an end. After a lost second loss to hated rival Michigan on Saturday, Penn State lost their first game of the season and their best player. I keep telling everyone that I would have cried had they won the game, and I would have. They played so damn well. I'm proud of them. But three years ago, I would have cried because they lost. It was an obsession of mine (probably because everyone around here either loves or hates Penn State)....but it seems to be gone now. Not really.

4. Forgiving is the easy part. Forgetting is what's hard.

5. One's 24th birthday is not so much different than all the other ones. It's definately doesn't have the bright luster of turning 13, or 16, or 18, or 21, or 40, or hell, even 50, but it's a good age I guess.

6. I've come to no discernable epiphanies during my birthday week. I was sure I would be struck with some other-worldly revelations about the future or my place in it, but nothing came. I assume that will come later.

7. My friends love me, as evident by the impromptu birthday suprise last night. I hate attention, but it was nice and wonderful and short (something we're not always so great at).

8. It's impossible to cook steak on an outdoor grill. Seriously. Everything came out well done. Sorry.

9. I don't have the guts to blog like some of you. I envy your honesty, respect your thoughts and can't wait to know you better.

10. When K shoots you the sideways V, that's a flag. And it means it's time to put the bottle down. Thanks K!

Bonus:

11. I really peaked at number five or six. I applied all this pressure on myself before writing by saying that I was going to blog about the 10 things that I learned this week. May I make a recommendation to everyone...if you set your goals too high, this is what happens. Dream low.

That's a terrible message. Don't listen to me.

Farewell, I love you all dearly. I really do.

path of love

summer nights and long warm days
stolen as the old moon falls
and the mirror sells another face
another place to hide it all

and i'm lost behind
the words i'll never find
and i'm left behind
as the seasons roll on by
-chris cornell-

don't know what to say
to let you know how i feel
don't know what to do
to show you my gratitude

you've touched my life
all of you
in ways big and small,
both significant and seemingly
inconsequential

but nothing is without consequence
no small action without an outcome
the words won't draft
on the paper in my head

so it's on the great highway
of information
to spread the love
to share the feelings
because i've got nothing to say

your children light the way
their untouched glee, their unvarnished hopes
life's got nothing on hope
when you're four years old

i'm lost behind
the words i'll never find

i'm left behind
as the seasons roll on by

i'm afraid to go
you know that
even when i don't say it

you're afraid to let me go
i know that
even when you do say it

i love you all
like you all love me
this is the beginning
not the end

i say that more for me
than you
because your times together
will go on
your fellowship will strengthen

i will drop in when i can
but for some reasons
i've got to go
i've got to see what can happen
when you hand over the reigns

i've got to ride shotgun on this one
trusting the driver knows where he's going
because i sure don't know where this road leads right now

but i know that somewhere down the path
it circles back to you, all of you
this giant round-a-bout will
bring me back to those i love

"we all walk the long road
cannot stay
all the friends and family
cannot stay
i have wished for so long
how i wish for you today"
-ev-