let the outsiders in

I always feel a little uncomfortable when I try to share something I've learned while reading the Bible. I guess I still battles those feelings of inadequacy; or the fear that I will misinterpret something and form it into something else entirely. I don't know if that's the case here, I don't think it is.

But this morning, I was reading in Acts and something struck me pretty hard. It was in the 15th chapter and it tells the story of Paul and Barnabas traveling through the Gentile lands, sharing the Message. Along their journey, while sharing the Word, Paul and Barnabas are met by some Jews from Judea who start telling these new believer Gentiles that they must be circumcised and conform to the Jewish traditions.

Paul and Barnabas are upset, because they know that this is not how God would want the Messsage passed along. So Paul and Baranabas travel back to Jerusalem to share the news of how God is working and to protest the Jews from burdening new believers with ancient Jewish customs. So the members of the Jerusalem church draft a letter of apology and explanation and send it to the Gentile church along with two good men from the church, sent as representatives.

The letter basically says that the men claiming that circumcision and other Jewish tradition is a necessary act for believers are wrong. The letter says that these new representatives have been sent to show that there are good men in the church and these men will continue to share the good news with them, without crushing them with the burden of tradition.

Whew! That was a lot of exposition. But all that to say that this chapter of Acts really spoke to me. Too often, we allow the "church" to burden new believers with a laundry list of do's and don'ts that sometimes only serve to alienate the new believers. I used to be so brainwashed by all of the things that I was told were wrong and unacceptable.

I used to let the church tell me what was wrong and right, not listening to what God was speaking to me about. I think it's our duty to be represntatives to the new believers. I don't think we can afford to sit back and assume that the church, as in institution, is always going to have the answers.

In the past year, I've learned something incredibly valuable. Moreso than any sermon, or time in a church pew, it's been the one-on-one moments that have defined and strengthened my walk with Christ. It's been the porch meetings and the car rides; the group get-togethers and dinners that have showed me what a walk with Jesus can be like.

And I'm done bashing the church. They're not always the bad guys and I don't want people thinking that I harbor that feeling, because I'm growing up and learning that Jesus uses all kinds of people and places. But I think that it's our duty to not sit back and let others do the work. I'm trying hard to be that person who reaches out, who takes the time to spend with people and share with them. I hope that God continues to use me, the way he wants to use me. Because without his guidance, I am lost at sea.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I don't know if it means anything to anybody else, but it struck me as important this morning.

Peace to you all.

the links

Today I added a few links to the right of this very blog. Although simple and easy to do, the simple addition of a few links has filled my heart with unspeakable joy. This was once just talk. This idea that sharing together on-line was legit was once just a small idea. But now, it's coming to fruition. I hope that soon I won't be able to fit all of the names on the page.

The words that you all write inspire me. And I thank you for those words. We're all so different, yet there's a connection here that cannot be denied. Even when it's unspoken, the striving for something real and tangible is evident in all of our thoughts. That too excites me. And although our time together lately has been short, we fear not, knowing that our connection transcends occasional lapses in communication.

So what now then? I will share about my experience last night. I was at a local "church" helping my father give a presentation on India. That's actually a story for another day because his new-found love of that country is God's hands moving at their best. I will share that inspirational tale another time.

But last night I had to help him do this presentation. Although it's not something I particularly enjoy doing, I dress up in a custom-made Indian safari suit (which I'm told, although have no proof, is pretty "pimp"- whatever that means) and help run the powerpoint presentation.

Last night saw us at a small country church where the crushing hand of "religion" is still prevalent. The worship was nothing short of suffocating for me, but the backwood choruses had the church folk singing loudly in their pew.

I really didn't know what to make of this place. It was so different than what I was used to. I particularly had trouble towards the beginning of the service, when one of the associate pastors took prayer requests. After he had required a few, he said that no one would lead the prayer, but that everyone should seek God on their own. Within seconds, I heard a rumbling, as if the building itself was falling to the ground.

Turns out that on cue, the church folk had dropped to their collective knees and had buried their heads in the pews in prayer. All was well, except everyone began praying out loud. And I mean loud. And the men on the stage (they were all men up there) also knelt and began praying loudly.

I felt bad. I was so distracted by this geniune outpouring of prayer because all I could think of was how showy the prayers from the stage were. The men, although supposedly praying for themselves and to God, where speaking so loudly and extravagantly, complete with that rollercoaster "up and down" intonation that pastors use, that I couldn't even concentrate. I just sat their dumbfounded. And I could tell I was getting bitter.

I didn't want to be at this church, I told myself. Look at them, showing off, I quietly said to myself. And then God showed me, quietly, that I hadn't been saying those things at all. It was the enemy.

Over the next hour, thankfully, I believe God spoke to me. He told me that these were his people too, even if they prayed out loud and even if I didn't understand/agree with the way they were doing things. We're all in this together, I was told. And He was pleased with those people who were crying out to him because their hearts were in the right place.

It's funny how when God corrects you, He doesn't do it in a way that makes you feel terrible, which is exactly how I should have felt. It was one of those times where I felt the gentle guidance of my Heavenly Father, showing me the way but not rubbing my face in my selfishness and arrogant pseudo-spiritual pride. Thanks God!

So anyway, that was my story from last night. God showed me that we're all in this together and that He is pleased with those people whose hearts are aimed towards Him. And that's comforting, because I know that sometimes my motives are not what they should be.

But as a dear friend told me long ago, God works even through ulterior motives. And I'm thankful for that.

So long for today, dear friends. I encourage anyone who hasn't to check out those other blogs. They're all filled with something important.

peace.
-g

...as the summer ended...

It's coming to that of year again. Soon, the days will grow shorter, the leaves will change color and the temperature will drop. Soon, sweatshirts and wool socks will replaces shorts and flip flops. I've always dreaded this time of year; the descent into the cold always seem to be just as figurative as it is literal.

When the air gets cold, my mind goes into hybernation. I don't function properly and more often than not, I go into October and November on the brink of depression. I'm sure it's not just the cold weather and freezing air. It's got to be something else. But I'm not exactly sure what that is.

When I was younger, the end of summer always meant the start of a new school year. I always looked forward to school, even if I knew that by the end of May the next year, I would be ready to quit altogether.

This year, after two fall seasons of no school, I again look forward to expanding my mind in the land of higher education. Two months after my acceptance to Regent, I'm still a little unnerved; still a little scared. But I'm more positive now too. I'm looking forward to what's ahead; even if I know that by May I'll be ready to quit altogether.

Like all situations though, I just wish I knew some of the answers before I set out to ask the questions. Will I come home next summer? Or is this relocation semi-permanent? Will I meet people there who think like I do or at least care about some of the same things I care about?? What will happen to me while I'm down there? What will God do with my life? What if I'm put in a position where I have to listen to Pat Robertson talk about things I find personally repulsive???

All these questions and no answers. So like I always try to do, I'll just give up trying to find things on my own. I don't know where this journey leads, but I know that with God's help, I'm ready it to begin.

In time, all of these questions will be answered. Until then, I'll just go about the ride....

band of brothers

i've discovered in the last few years that i'm a world war II junkie. that doesn't mean i collect souveneirs or claim to know all kinds of 40's history. but something about that time period, that war, rings true to me. i'm not exactly sure what it is but there is something about the stories that have come from that war that inspire me; that pull at my heart.

because really, aside from killing and protecting and "liberating", what is the most important part of war? some would say victory. but i think more than that, it is the bonds it creates. i've never been in combat, but i'm sure there are friendship formed on the battlefield that never diminish with the passing of years. i'm sure there are souls that allign and no darkness will ever put out that light.

i'm not for war. in a spiritual sense, yes, war is what we live through. everyday is an uphill battle against an unrelenting foe. the faceless evil. but i can't escape the correlation that the bonds i find myself forming now with a small group of like-minded friends is very akin to the bonds formed from war. and i guess that's fitting.

today i finished watching a mini-series about world war II, based on true stories, called Band of Brothers. over the course of ten episodes, i watched a group of paratroopers start fresh in basic training, work their way up to the invasion at normandy (on D-Day) and then battle the Germans, the weather and their own demons for over a year while they fought at the front lines in europe. their purpose - the overcome the evil that had spread through that continent with vengeance and force.

that's how i feel. i don't really even know the evil i'm fighting anymore. some of it, sadly, is in me. some of the biggest, ugliest demons that i've ever seen reside inside of my body. and that's a shaming, sad thought. but to be honest, sometimes, the hardest enemy to put down is the enemy inside of our own soul. i want to lay down my arms. stop killing myself, but i struggle with that.

so, to you, my band of brothers (and sisters), i say thank you for fighting along side of me. you lift me up when i don't think i have the strength to go on. you do the fighting when i'm too weak. and you're always there to listen to me bitch about my superiors. i know that all guidance and perserverance comes from above. but i also know that all of you were placed in this life (as was i) to come beside me and each other. you are my brothers (and sisters) in arms.

and one day, when this is all over and forgotten, i hope to remember, if even for just one moment, all of the battles and bloodshed that were deemed necessary for the cause. i hope to remember, if just for one second, the smile on your face as you welcomed me into your home. i know we're going to a place that might not call for memories. but i hope to have memories of all of you and the love you've shown me.

a random collection of thoughts after my 11 days in exile

i had this dream once that on the last day of earth, planes would fall from the sky. they would criss-cross in front of or behind each other as they descended to the earth. in my dream, several fell into the middle of a small town, crashing through the walls of the local church and firehouse. fire was everywhere. in my dreams, planes fell from the sky. and now they fall for real. i hope this isn't the end. i'm not ready.

----

i've been having severe deja vu lately. i don't really believe that i've lived other lives, but the urges have been really strong lately. jsut the other day i was in the car with someone and i got the sense that i had been there before. so i waited for her to say the word, "whole", knowing that in that previous experience, that word was said at exactly that moment. and to my surprise, she said it. sure it sounds like a random word andi don't expect anyone to believe me, but it was weird. and then just yesterday i was in a building that i had never been to before, yet as i climbed the stairs from the first floor to the second, i knew i had been there, in a dream, several years earlier. i guess i was probably just there once when i was a child, but i don't know. perhaps god is the mastermind behind these deja vu fits. or perhaps it's just me, being a weirdo. i don't know.

---

i miss my friend. it's been far too long since we've travelled the backgrounds of central pa, listening to music, smoking a few cigs. i miss his company. but i'm also proud of him and what he's doing. he'll be home soon.

--

and i miss my extended family and our time together. we need to get together soon because i draw strength from our time together. i grow stronger when we are near. and i miss that. why is life so damn busy? really, what have i been doing with my time other than being busy? your guess is as good as mine. but i know some others have been pondering that same thought. i hope we are given the answer soon because i'm not sure what to do.

--

i may soon be a published writer. relevant magazine has a website and they are interested in running a piece i wrote about my coldplay concert last week in pittsburgh. i'm going to be sending ryan, the editor, my story tomorow to see what he thinks. if all goes well, i could be on the website next week. that's exciting, i guess.

---

more later.
love to you all.
sorry for my absence

misguided or misled?

when we met
i had butterflies in my stomach
i was looking for something new
i was looking for the answer

we met in the middle of summer
when the days were long and hot
i was on the rebound
coming offf yet another rejection
to me, you were light

i had stars in my eyes
and your words sucked me in
was i misguided?
or was i misled?

the beginning was beautiful
something usually reserved for story books
i fell for you, hard
and i thought you were going to be my savoir

i looked forward to being together
to spending the hours in your arms
changing the world
my outlook was bright
we were something to be reckoned with

but like with all good things
something started to change
i got irritated with you
and wanted my space
i felt misguided
i felt misled

so now here i am
again, feeling alone
what went wrong?
is this just something that happens?
after the initial rush of something new wears off?

who's fault is this?
like always, i blame myself
but this time, i'm not so sure

but i'm left with the questions
because now the sight of you repulses me
it shakes my soul
in exactly the opposite way it use to

i try to stay friends
sometimes we hang out
but something isn't clicking
it's awkward and uncomfortable

to let go of something i wanted so desperately to love
what happened to us?
it seemed to right, seemed like the perfect fit
and now, it's as if we never were

i can shoulder some of the blame
i wasn't as devoted as i could have been
i didn't give you the time that i should have
but as much as i tried, you couldn't hear my cries
you couldn't comfort me when i was down

the distance was too great
you found acceptance in other things
other people, other projects
you forgot about me
and i, in turn, have forgotten about you

i can shoulder some of the blame
i placed to much value in your ideals
i placed too much hope in your
makeshift salvation

i was misguided to think
that this institution was going to be my redemption
i was misled to think
that this relationship was going to be different from the previous ones

i made the mistakes
you made the mistakes
perhaps now it's time to make a clean break

i can find something new, something real
you can find something else to occupy your time

this is not your fault. nor mine
you're a good thing and you're helping people

i hope this finds you happy and prosperous
and growing into the church that you're suuposed to be
we're going to make it through this
and who knows? maybe in time
we'll be reunited

but if not, know that i love you regardless
the same as you love me
i guess the timing just wasn't right

because i was misguided in my expectations
and misled in my execution

god speed to you. and never forget...
that UR , and will forever be, a friend

rowe, rowe, ...row your boat

happy birthday to the little girl who lights up my world. i can't quite put into words how you and your sister (and mommy and daddy too) have changed my life. made things better for me. given me friends and family at a time when i didn't realize i had either. i hope you know (and your sister knows too) that your smile and laugh and sayings make my heart melt; my soul happy.

at three years old, you seem to have a better grasp of reality than i do. to see things again through the eyes of a child. to have that pure, unadulterated faith in those you love. you are lucky, boat! and somewhere, deep inside of you, i think you probably know that.

so as you zip around 507 North St. tonight in your new barbie jeep, i hope you have the best birthday that any single kid ever had on this earth. and i hope, in your young mind, you know that you're loved dearly by all of those around you.

see ya buddy!
see ya friend!

to the unlovable

this is my ode to those i can't love
to those who i don't see eye to eye with
to those people i'd rather ignore
than share time with

to you who don't see the world as i do
and therefore don't feel the love i wish to share
i'm sorry. i'm sorry that's i've failed you
in the ways of love

and to the unlovable
to those who have done me wrong
i'm sad that i can't forgive yet
that i haven't learn to let go

to all of you, former friends, colleagues, relatives
i'm sorry that i haven't yet found that place in my heart
where regrets and anger subside
where love shines through

because it's not you who are unlovable
it's me who is unable to love
the way i'm meant to love

and if i had it all to do again
things would be different
i would slay this beast
before it came back to chop my head off

i would love you unconditionally
you would feel my love
and our mutual hurts would be, in a perfect world,
nonexistant

but instead, i'm forced to live this life
as i've built it from the ground up
with a swimming pool in the backyard
for me to swim in my inability to love.

when the day arrives
when i can really, REALLY let this go
i'll jump to the sky and smile
i'll be happy that my struggle is over

but if i die before i right these wrongs
know that i had the best intentions
that i wanted to get right with you
that i wanted to forget the past
and enjoy the future

to those i can't love
i say i'm sorry
i'm sorry that the love of the creator
doesn't yet flow freely enough
through me to flow to you

in time, i hope, it will flow like a river
out of my heart, through my soul,
raging into my veins and overflowing
through my mouth, eyes, ears, nose, fingertips

through my entire being.

flooding everything in the way with love. and forgiveness. and peace.