this is important

i haven't updated this blog in a week and a half and i feel like i've been away from. i'd been updating almost every day, sometimes more than once, and then came the long break. that was partially because of a trip to chicago - which perhaps i'll chronicle in another entry - and partly because i was feeling like what i write on here is not that important.

but it is. what we're doing here, not on an individual basis, but as a group, is important. and when you read certain blogs, like the ones i read this week, you realize that everyone has something to share. and i know that sometimes we think it's going to be shallow or trivial, but the truth is, it's not. it's important, if for nothing else so that i, we, can know what you're feeling, going through, thinking about.

and i think that's just the enemy trying to banquish the freedom that can be granted through the written word. he knows that this tool is a coping mechanism for some of us. it's a place to start the healing; to reconcile those feelings of worthlessness, fear, regret and mold them into something beautifully cohesive.

so when we use big words, made-up words sometimes, or too many commas, that's ok too. it's all the same for the reader, i think. because hopefully when you sit down to read this, you let the words sink in and begin to connect with the writer. and that's why i think blogging is such a beautiful thing.

and even now, i fear that the words i write will reek of pretension, but i hope that's not the case. because i find that i want to be sincere, but the desire to be sincere doesn't necessarily lead to sincerity.

so to all of you on this journey, thank you from the bottom of my heart. thank you for laying the words on the (web)page so that i can start to understand what you're thinking, even if i can't possibly understand in full what you're saying. i will try.

the love's got to start somewhere....why not here?

Mother's Day

I want to preface this piece by saying that I'm going to write about something of which I don't personally experience. However, I'm just going to write about it as I see it. No offense or harm is meant to anyone in this situation.
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I have a wonderful mother. All those who meet her can see her heart. She's cheesy, yes, and usually incredibly happy and outgoing. She has a heart of gold and in the entirety of my 24 years has shown me nothing but love. It's only been recently that I've really seen this.

For some reason, at the end of my college career (and the start of my working life), I had accrued some resentment towards her and to this day, I don't know why. I feel like an asshole now, because she's never done anything but love me. She's offered to help with bills, she lets me live at home rent free. She's always happy to give advice, while never telling me what I should do. She's a lovely person and I'm smart enough to thank God for her every day.

But right now, my heart hurts for those not so lucky. I'm hurting for those who didn't have a great mother, either in the past, or all their lives. To you, friends, I send my love and sympathy, knowing that it will never be enough to cover the gap left by an unloving mother.

I'm not naive. I realize that alot of the time (most of the time) this has nothing to do with the children themselves, but solely with the mother, the life she's led, and probably, the mother she had. But understanding the roots of the problem doesn't take away the sting of hurt.

From where I see it, it comes from a place of jealousy. Mothers seeming not to care, or indifferent, or just plain mean, because the child they've carried for nine months now lives a more productive life than they ever dreamed of. And while most parents rejoice at the thought of their children living a better life than they did, some don't feel so great about that. So they dig and prod and say things that dig deeper than any knife.

They slowly strip away that life. Their words are like poison, infecting the mind and soul, whether the kids can admit it or not. I've seen bits and pieces of this throughout my life and my heart hurts for these kids, forever kids because they didn't have the nurturing that they should have had. I'm pissed at the mothers, and the mothers of mothers that have caused this.

Again, I don't have personal experience with this. So I hope to anyone in this situation about which I speak knows that they have my sympathy, my undying love. And hopefully, someday, ammends will be made; love will win out.

I'd like to think that one day, all parents who have hurt their children will understand the damage done. I hope forgiveness and apologies will be shared before its too late. Because the only thing worse, I'd imagine, than living with this, is dying with this. I don't wish that upon anyone, because from what I know, you can't forgive a dead person; you can't be asked for forgiveness by someone in the grave.

So to you, dear friends, who fight the demons of unfit mothers, father, grandparents or guardians, I want you to know that I deeply love you and wish upon the brightness of a million stars that my love, as small as it may seem, would heal every wound you ever had.

That my love, as insignifant as it might be, could loose you from all the binds of your desecrated youth.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

it's ironic that the best revenge is love.

rainbows and lollipops

Lately, I've been re-reading my college blog. Sadly, it seems to be the only way for me to re-live those four years that were so life-changing. Ultimately, they won't be remembered as the years that fostered my walk with Christ or a time when I sought God, but they'll still be remembered as a time when my mind expanded and I opened up to the world.

Before entering college, before leaving the confines of this small town, I was backwards. I'd never really encountered anyone of a different race. I'd never stayed up all night listening to someone tell you their life story. Because I already knew the life stories of all my friends back home.

There was something about college that opened me up to life. I hate when I hear people blast college. Alot of people, Christians included, will tell you that college is dangerous and, generally, a bad influence on a young person's life. I don't buy that. Sure, I was introduced to drugs and sex and, God forbid, rock n roll during those years, but I think I had to be introduced at some point and that was the time for that.

For some reason or another, college is usually linked with liberalism. It's cool to be politically correct and racially diversified when you're in the college atmosphere. And I couldn't agree with that more. Without college, I wouldn't have been introduced to different cultures; to the beauty of a foreign film; to the desperation of the African AIDS epidemic. I would have remained in my bubble.

I went to a small liberal arts college. It wasn't very big. That's a regret I have....although my classes were small and it was not uncommon to have lunch with a professor on any day of the week, I wish I would have had a chance to meet even more people; to be exposed to even more.

So here I am, six months away from doing this all again. And I keep praying, hoping that this school, which is a Christian school, doesn't reek of religion. I know in my heart that I'm going to meet some great people and those people are going to influence me in a great ways. But I still have a fear that I'm going to get there and everything is going to be religious and sterile and "Believe what we believe, or you're not one of us."

And what would I do if faced with that situation? I know now more than ever that living this Christian life is anything but sterile and peaceful and free of the things associated with the material world. If anything, I think it's most important that we be able to be out in the world, while maintaing our beliefs, morals and ideals. And I know that's how most modern Christians would see things. But I still have the fear that I'm walking into a situation that isn't like that. I think I would go insane if put in that situation.

Because I guess when I think about it, I don't want to be a sterile, clean cut Christian. I want to be rough around the spiritual edges; I don't want to ever be looked at as someone up on a pedestal; too good for normal people. I don't want to give off that Christian stink that I grew up smelling in stuffy churches. But I think love compensates for all of that. If you have love, you have everything you need to do what you're supposed to do.

I don't know where all of this came from. I think it's because I was reading over those old blogs and remembering how much I loved being in college. Freedom. I craved it; got it; and loved every second of it. But I was young then. I know what you're thinking; I'm still young. I know. But I was mentally and spiritually young too; free of responsibilty. And now, I'm going into this with a different brain; a transplanted soul and I want to get it right without comforming to anything that's going to change who I am.

Am I going to be able to handle everything? Will they like me? Where am I going to smoke? (I should mention here that it's almost criminal that I'm going to be living in an apartment complex where tobacco use is strictly prohibitied, even on the porch. I will prophecy now that I will ultimately choose to live in an off-campus apartment comples just to avoid this blatant discrimination).

anyway, I'm just talking out loud. keither's right though - parting sucks! and i'm not looking forward to it and I'm not going to get into it right now because we still have a lot of time.

So until next time, go in peace. love each other. sing a song. paint a picture. solve a problem. seek the truth.

-yours truly

where soul meets body

this kitchen is filled
with smoke, and smells, and people
we're spilling out into the living room
we're cooking french toast in wedding gifts
we're making omelets with ungodly amounts of pepper jack

"this feels like christmas eve" she whispers in my ear
she's right. five years old and more perceptive than any adult in the room

the sights and sounds of the holidays
were alive today in the middle of july
i can't wait to spend christmas with this group
i can't wait to share in the joy of a new born king
to sing about redemption and love and peace and everything else

we said our momentary goodbyes today
quick, to the point, but the emphasis was there
in the hidden glances, in the no-handshakes, no-hugs
the power was there in the air, unspoken
distant, but at the same time, right under my nose

this is just a phase. a learning curve experience.
you'll return a different man and we all look
forward to your metamorphasis. we'll greet you back
just as we left you....as one of us.

"this feels like christmas eve"
the night before hope is born into the world
before salvation is vacated from the womb
the night before we are set free

and there's a melody...
a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere....

more ruminations on forgiveness

the words are coming in from many places....people, hearts, sharing about forgiveness....what it means to forgive, how to try to forgive and the ultimate conclusion...

forgiveness, in its truest form, equals love, in its truest form....

Here are a few more passages from others dealing with forgiveness and the ramifications of such a huge word:
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So, I began the trek home from the region of Carlisle today with the grandeur of writing another power-packed post here on the good ol' www. The I sat down here on the doorstep of my sanity, the keyboard. I refreshed my brain on email from this morning from a dear friend feeling the burdens of loving people like me. I was ok, still determined to brush aside the hurt and push on to beauty in words. But then I raced through another powerful message in the land of Battle Scars, my heart began to hurt a bit.

You know the feeling like someone is applying a little bit of pressure or beginning the incision of a very dull knife? I thought this too would pass---- but then the kicker and the proverbial icing on the cake. Mr. ForPetesSake hit us all off with a summary of why I feel like a piece of shit right now, saddened by the pains and hurts of those that I love. The ones who are near to me even though they aren't always in close proximity.So forgiveness has been placarded across the wall-less infinite, the web. I resume thoughts on life, but this time it is of all of the hatred and the intolerance that this world stands for.....

As the tears stream down my face, I reflect on the sight that I experienced last evening. On a scale of decency it doesn't measure up to the pain of those around me and close to me or the recent afflicted horror of JuCo, but it saddens me to tears.As I sit in the local watering hole for a refreshing beverage after a crazy day at the office, there it was.

A young gentleman of about 30, long hair and all (although it was pulled up into his hat) sporting his new artwork. Yes, right there, loud as can be on the middle of his neck (which covered the entire back of his neck) was the legendary symbol of HATE!!! -- a Nazi swastika... Now it wasn't completely that symbol or act of expression that bothered me, it was the fact that I know the fella and he has a child not more than the age of three. HATE breeds HATE!!So, with forgiveness in the air, I must find a way to forgive those who participate in intolerance. I must forgive myself for being intolerant of intolerance.....

So as we venture together through this sometimes dry land of heart surgery, remember that no matter where we are or when it is---YOU have a number to call and a brother waiting. Yes, I may not be in the best shape at the time but at least we can not have to cry alone.Love to all....
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and another one....
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forgiveness........topic of the moment...always a topic in my world. i address it every day with numerous people as i feebly attempt to guide wondering wounded ones......
and the topic of love.........both on the top of my list at this point in time.
i've been chewing Corinthians 13 for about 30 years now...and chewing it again daily in the past month or so.

did you ever read that chapter verse by verse???? kicks ya in the ass.......hard.
how about this one..."love will hardly ever notice when others do it wrong." what kind of love is this??????? i have memory issues.....and loose pieces of the puzzle come racing back when not invited and not really welcomed. all seem to stem from some horrific memory of being betrayed by someone...sometimes even being betrayed by myself! what love is this????????

how in the world can anyone love like this??? and forgiveness....... i'm thinking this kind of love has something to do with it.......
maybe when we remember our worst, darkest and most shameful sins......and we recognize that He truly forgives us......we can forgive.......and maybe when we look into his face of love and how he loves us........we can love.......
i don't know..... i hope so..... because the only thing i want in this world is to love like Him......the main thing i have failed so far in this life........is loving like He does.....
i hope to hang in long enough to at least get a start on the goal.
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ok, me again. i think i need to type out 1 Corinthians 13, just so I can hear the words. But I'm going to use The Message translation, just to relate it more to my modern self.

13 - The Way of Love
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstacy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump", and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up
Love cares more for others than for self
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have
Love doesn't strut
Doesn't have a swelled head
Doesn't force itself on others
Isn't always "me first"
Doesn't fly off the handle
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others
Doesn't revel when others grovel
Takes pleasure in flowering the truth
Puts up with anything
Trusts God always
Always looks for the best
Never looks back
But keeps going to the end

Love never dies. Inspried speech will be over some day, praying in tongues will end, understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be cancelled.

When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in the fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears, and the sun shines bright. We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us.

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation. Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

this is what friends are

You see that link to the right that says "Keith's Blog"? That's there for a reason. Because he is my dear friend and what he writes comes straight from the heart. He took the time to read my entry yesterday, a tough entry for me to write, and responded, via his own blog, with this thoughtful response.

This is the real deal. Thanks Keither. I know you're reading this and I appreciate what you wrote. You are a truly a dear friend.

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FORGIVENESS

I just finished reading my friend, Gabe's blog. As I read it, my heart hit the floor with a resounding "THUD!" Forgiveness was the topic of the day. Gabe's pain level was at an all time high as he stepped into the reality of this process we call, "forgiveness." I felt his pain and resonated with his struggle.

I wish I had some piece of inspiration to encourage him in navigating this sea of torment. But honestly I don't have much at all. All I know is any real hope we have is when God infuses us with His strength to forgive. There is no other way. We can't forgive on our own power. It's impossible. The only way we can forgive, or live for that matter, is by His Spirit.Forgiveness is hard. It's the last frontier of love. It tests our hearts and let us know how much love we truly lack. It's the force that separates soul and spirit. In forgiveness there is love and in love there is forgiveness. So the struggle and search continues.

For those of us in the process, I hear the Lord asking, "Do you still want to walk in love? Are you still committed to the process?" It's a tough question if we're gut-level honest. I want to say, "Yes," with all my heart, but I can't discount the other voices inside my head. I must travel to the unreached areas of my soul and allow Jesus to reach out to me in those places. Am I willing? Yes, I believe I am. But I need His love to constrain me --- to hold me while I'm on the operating table. My tendency is to leave while God is mid-way through the surgery. I don't always know how to stay with the process. Maybe that's the importance of encouraging one another to stay on the table --- just one more day.

So, Gabe, if you're reading this post, take heart my friend. You are not alone. We WILL learn to love. We WILL learn to forgive. It's a process. I think at some point it must get easier than this. But if it doesn't I'm certain that God will give us the grace to hold on as we're holding on to one another.Trust is not forgiveness. I don't think the Lord is asking you to jump right into a situation that would be emotionally unsafe. That wouldn't be love for you or the other person. Continue to ask the Lord for direction on that one. It's definitely not a light matter. So much for the lack of inspiration.

The last couple days I've been thinking of the painting entitled, "Forgiven." In the painting Jesus was lifting up a hammer wielding man. The man was exhausted, but I noticed he was stilling hanging on to his hammer. Isn't that how we are when it comes to forgiveness. We come to Jesus with no strength left, but we still hang on to the hammer of unforgiveness. We just can't seem to let go. At some point Jesus will ask us to give up the hammer, but until then, He is hold us, waiting for the day we are finally tired of carrying the burden of unforgiveness. He waits --- with nail pierced hands, always waiting, never letting go. He truly loves us.

the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did

For the past, hmm, two years or so, I've been deeply convicted about my inability to forgive and forget. I can't do it. I've tried and tried and I think now, it's finally catching up with me. My inability to let go of the past is starting to eat at my soul, munching at my heart and it's killing me.

But how does one truly forgive? How does one truly let go of past hurts? I don't know what to do and I feel like I need to do something about it now or it's only going to get worse. And I know what some of you might be thinking - give your troubles to God and He'll take them away.

And while that is most certainly true, it has proven, to this point anyway, invaluable information at best. You can give something away with your mouth, but your mind, and the evil forces that manage to get in there from time to time, won't let you get rid of it.

In my mind, I make up scenarios. A year ago, it was revegnge scenarios....fights, both with the tongue and fists. At my job, where I work for the majority of time on my own, I would constantly replay conversations, actions, etc, nit-picking everything, making up my own stories. Letting my mind get so far ahead of me that I would literally forget where I was. I would blackout in a sea of anger and rage and thoughts of avenging my broken heart. But then it would pass for a time. Only to resurface way too soon.

I feel it important to mention here that this hurt I'm feeling is not the direct result of any romantic relationships I've been involved in. Usually, one just assumes that past hurt is more often than not related to a breakup or something like that. But that's not the case here.

I was, like many, many before me, betrayed by a friend, stabbed in the back, gutted and then left for dead. I was told to accept it as my lot, forgive and try to move on. To that, I say with all sincerity, "Fuck you." Trust, the one thing that can never be fully granted again after it's been taken advantage of. Perhaps the same can be said of love. Perhaps the two are more intertwined than we first believed.

But is it me? Should I just move on? What exactly does Christ want me to do? Does he simply want me to forgivve? Is it that easy? Or am I also to forget, to set myself in a position where this could happen again? Why doesn't my Bible come with cliff notes?

So I wonder, quietly, and sometimes aloud, what am I to do? How long is too long to hold onto this? I've held it to long and now I will try again to give it to the one who takes care of these things. I may seem flippant about it, but I'm adament in my attempt to turn this over to christ and let him take it. But it's hard and I know some people can relate to this.

But, as with all things, trust and forgiveness are a direct descendant/relative of love, the same love that only days agao I wrote about wanting to show more of, to show unconditionally. Well, this seems to fly right in the face of that, but at least I'm trying to be honest. I will try.

romans

to me, this isn't a more powerful book in the entire Bible. as i was reading through yesterday and today (on a good day where i actually took the time to dig into the Word the way that I want to) i found myself constantly confronted with truths that, in honestly, i probably didn't want to be confronted with.

it's so easy for me to judge people. and i pride myself on not being a racist or a biggot, but i can easily pick apart the ideas, thoughts and actions of my brothers and sisters in Christ. why is that? it probably boils down to the same thing it always boils down to: insecurity.

this all got me thinking....how does one really change his ways? how does one really surrender all that he's known in 24 years of living and make a turn toward something Godly or something that pleases God? as i sat on my porch, the temperature already raising towards 80 degrees and the sun's warmth burning into my face, i strived to make that change....a mini-revolution right there while sitting on a cheap wal-mart lawn chair.

of course, i've always been weary of stating my intentions for a personal spiritual revolution. i'm more of the "do it, don't say it" mentality." so maybe you should just forget about that last paragraph.

i need to love more. to love without hesitation, premeditation, pre-conceived notions. i need to let go of everything that i think is dear and just show love. i want to strive to serve others until i don't have the strength to stand. i want to bite my tongue when i don't need to speak....censor my thoughts when the enemy launches one of his patented mental attacks.

i don't know. i'm really just thinking out loud here. i don't have much else for now. peace to you all.

the ultimate intrusion

something terrible happened today and i don't yet know what to think about it. the thought of it is sickening in and of itself. but on a bigger scale, it's tough to not let the mind wander, to let the brain carry out dialogues and plays about what could have happened, what could happen next.

something terrible has happened and the ramifications are yet to be determined.

the chief offender will certainly ceased to exist in the minds of those around. his name will become synonymous with evil, pure unbridled evil, the kind that sees only red. years from now, when people look back on the lives of those they used to know, his name will be mentioned quietly, whispered as if the very mention of his name conjures up in people some kind of malevolent disgust. they will say, "how the mighty have fallen." they'll snicker to each other in small groups, saying, "he always struck me as weird." we'll remember him for this deed and nothing else. to him, tonight, alone and in the dark, life is over plus two days. death begins while there is still breath in his lungs. he's been buried alive.

for those left in the wake of his destruction, they are not unlike shattered, splintered homes in the aftermath of a hurricane. like a scar or birthmark, they will carry this scar with them, just as they will carry a last name plagued with a connotation of incestuous debauchery. as if it's not bad enough to live through the things they've already lived through, now they will live through this. And the quiet name -calling will carry over to them. They will be pitied, but the people who do the pitying will never let them forget just how close they were to this evil act.

first, accidental deaths. And now this, the most carnal and damaging act that can be afflicted on someone. the unwilling loss of your body's most sacred regions. it's the ultimate intrusion, the irreversible entrance of undesired objects. it's murder without the pleasure of not having to re-live the events. because at least when you're dead you can't live with the thought of the one who took your life.

what will happen to this small town? will this be the news of the moment and then easily forgotten, aside from the aforementioned snickering and name-calling? will the pain inflicted be forgotten, much as americans forget the turmoil and pain of africa? what will happen to this small town?

tonight, i pray that god will send his grace. to the victim and accused, alike. maybe, in our small, world-infected brains, we can't even begin to understand how god moves in situations like this. but it's in these times that god's light has the opportunity to shine brightest.

because you can only see the light when everything else is black.

casimir paluski day

i'm more than a little displeased with yesterday's entry. to show vulnerability, masked by nothing more than faux-anger, leaves me with this bitter taste in my mouth. i think sometimes i like to over-emphasize those things that upset me, so that i can cast the light away from my own problems, my own ever-growing bullshit problems.

i wonder - would god laugh in my face if i came before him right now and offered him everything i had? would he look at me and say, "but you have nothing to offer me. i created everything." well, i don't have anything to offer, other than my life. but that gets hard to do. the walk, and the talk in this instance, are both tough to pull off.

so instead of digging in, i extend outward all of my displeasures. i criticize this fake president and phony moral leadership. i say that we're afraid when really, i think we're too naive to be afraid. i point every one of my fingers outward, so that even my thumbs aren't pointing back at myself.

let me set something straight right now. the anger i seem to have at authority, at those who utilize this system for their own selfish gain, is a direct attempt to cover up my own insecurity; that grave feeling in me that i'm not worth the space i take up.

so here in this space, while still reserving the right to vent until my fingers fall off, i will strive to shoot straight, to tell you when i'm scared, when i feel alone, to be honest with myself and the few of you who read this. because you are my dear friends, my family. you are my loved ones. and to you, i owe nothing more than everything i have.

i got the acceptance this week and i'm scared. in january, if every door opens, i will leave for virginia, to grad school. a school, ironically enough, run by the same maniacal man who on every other day of the week, i can't stand the sight of. god's greatest laugh must come at the hands of irony.

but i'm scared and i wish i wasn't. i want to go, if god wants me to go. but how will i know? as an almost 24-year-old, i don't feel that i've been directly spoken to. or more exact- i don't think i've ever stayed still long enough to hear the voice, calling from that other-wordly place. i want to do what's right, to go where i'm supposed to go. but i feel like i'm on the highwway and i'm afraid i'm going to miss the exit.

this seems like the logical place to go. college, graduate studies, journalism. meeting people and growing as a young christian. but what if this is just god's smoke screeen? what if i get there and i wasn't to be there...will i still be allowed to make the trek? i want answers. and the patience to wait for them. but right now, i have neither.

i'm tired now. so long for now. be still. and listen. i hope that treats you well.

shall i leave with a lyric from the new sufjan stevens' album? yes, i shall.

all the glory that the lord has made
and the complications when i see his face
in the morning in the window

all the glory when he took our place
when he took my shoulders and shook my face
and he takes, and he takes, and he takes

there's a fire

there's a fire
and all the lines are down
there's a panic in the town
and all the wires are crossed
now they're calling in the dogs
with the teeth that shine like pearls
in the witchy underworld
and they all feed the flames
when they're moving in

there's a fire
and all the lights are out
there's a strange noise about
now it's happened all around
buildings burned to the groun
now the flames have reached the heart
people are spilling out in cars
and they all feed the flames
when they're moving in

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what is safety? i feel like this comes and goes in wave, like the terror alerts from the government.
are we safe? do we feel safe? i have a lock on my door tonight for the first time in my life.
does that make things safer?

the safety in christ is easily forgettable in this world of pain, and bombs, and pillow cases
what will happen to us? will we survive?
i guess ultimately it doesn't matter; rewards abound elsewhere

but fear is control. and i fear, sometimes, that we don't have long
and while a better person would welcome the end and the beginning of that place where there is no time,
i still hold on enough to this world to fear its end.

they tell us that the next attack can't be that far away.
i say it's already here.
it's the attack on the poor and under-priveledged
it's the attack on our children, scaring them and their parents with a color-coded scale meant to display the intents of radical militants a thousand miles away

the attack comes from above, literally and figurately.
it's the attack of our commander-n-thief
it's the attack on our daily lives. our god won't stand for this.
He won't back down.

even if i, in my failing sense of courage, can do sometimes.

you can hear it in the air.
the whispers. the fear taking over.
what's it going to take to overcome this?
what's it going to take to win out over this sense of impending disaster.

the patroit act isn't going to save us.
gw isn't going to save us.

i saw the bumper sticker ahead of me:
"george w. bush--saving your ass whether you like it or not."

well, he's not. and i don't.

so keep your noses high in a sense of national pride, blinding yourself to the torment and pain inflicted by those very figures you think are saving the day, mighty mouse style.

your patriotism drips with greed, lust, gluttony, hatred, prejudice, bias, ignorance.
the very flag you hide behind is the same flag used to drape the eternal homes of our boys and girls

forgive me, troops, just doing what you have to do to provide for you and your family.
it's not in you that my disgust lies.
but in your boss, in his associates, in his apathy, arrogance, and greedy amibitions.

godspeed to all who search for truth.
it's out there.
find it.
grasp it.
and never, ever let it go.


to those who are about to step up to the challenge, i salute you.

middle ground

lately, i've been dealing with my connections to two really hotbed issues. one being abortion. the other being homosexuality. i don't know why these two things keep showing up on my plate, but for the last week or so they have been.

i can't help but think that it has something to do with my rather "wishy-washy" views on both. as a christian, i'm not supposed to be up in the air about these two bedrock issues which so many of my brothers and sisters have steadfast ideals about. but the fact is, i don't know what to think and i don't think it's my place to barrage everyone with my thoughts on these things.

i'm in the middle and right now, nothing is going to change that.

let me clarify. i think abortion is terrible. i think it's an epidemic that has spread like wildfire and snuffed out an entire generation worth of children. but i also think that bush's assualt on iraq and the loss of 1700 young men and women is an abortion of sorts. senseless death with no purpose. that's what both of these things are. but even say, who am i to approach a woman who had to make a terrible decision like this and tell her that i think she's wrong and shouldn't have done it? have i walked one minute in her shoes? do i have any idea what she has been through?? no i don't.

for further clarification i will say that i view abortion in two different ways. there is abortion as simple birth control for careless people which i absolutely don't approve of. then there is that kind that is used to end the birht of child born out of tragedy or misfortune, whether it be rape, incest or something of that nature. does it make it totally right? no. but who am i to say to a girl that's been raped that she should carry this living, breathing scar to term? i realize the harshness in that sentence. but it's how i feel.

as for the homosexual debate, this is the one that often gives me the biggest headache. i don't know what to think. this bullshit notion that all homosexuals are immoral deviants that just want to parade their lifestyles all over the place is sickening. it's gargabe. it's what zealots use to get you to go along with what they're saying. "watch out for the homos," they'll say. "They're the ones raping and killing our children." or if you're Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, you'll blame the "homosexual agenda" for Sept. 11, on national TV, two nights after the worst terrorist attack in united states history.

we christians could sure use a lesson in tact.

all of this to say that i'm in the middle and i don't think that's a bad place to be right now. i have my beliefs and i stick to them. but i'm not going to be one of those christians who seeks to do more damage than good. hating others because of the choices they've made. that's just not my style.

just what i'm thinking today. i'll probably write more about this soon.

i hope you're all well. much love,

-Gabe