are you going to leave too?

Today I am afraid of being left alone.

I think I know where this fear comes from.

I know the past hurt that has caused it.

I also know that I have caused this very same hurt in people I care about.

That makes me sick in my stomach.

I'm sorry.

I hope I don't get left alone today.

another seven months passed

I really thought I was going to get into the blogging again when I picked it up last October. But apparently, my attention span has waned over the years. You get me in bursts, if at all, and for that I apologize.

I'm not really sure who wrote those last few entries. They feel foreign to me. I remember that place in time...when I ached for something that was trivial. But the sun has set on those days. Sure, I still long for things which cannnot be attained, but I laugh now at the sincerity I felt in late December and early January for things and people that have little relevance in my life now. I guess this is how life progresses.

Now I am doing ok. Still battling a sense of disconnect to certain people and places that where once vital to my existence. I miss things as I often do yet I feel incapable of making the efforts needed to get to where I need to be. I have once again started to spin my wheels with thoughts of furthering my education. I am not sure the shape or form that such an adventure would possess. I will probably lean towards the on-line learning which is something that I've come to respect immensely in the past few years. There are also a few institutions in this town where I might feel at home. I don't yet know what I am going to do but the itch has started again and I don't know if I'm going to be able (or if I want) to ignore it this time.

Personally speaking, life has taken a strange turn as of late. A visitor has come to stay with us in a great time of need. I am not sure how else to say it and I won't really get into here. Suffice it to say it has been one of the most interesting summers of my life. For better or worse.

I will try to explain more later. For now, please know that this is some kind of effort to rekindle the flame of the written word that once burned in my soul. I do not know if that candle still exists and if it does, I cannot say what shape or form it now takes. But I will try to find it again, if only to purge the thoughts that constantly roam the empty hallways of my head.

1/1/08

i don't know how to breath
when everything collides
i feel no pain at this moment
but when i wake up tomorrow
feeling that general malaise
i will remember this time
when i allow myself to drown in self-pity
i am not worthless
i am not alone
i am not even, believe it or not, sad
but there is a place in my mind
where the perceptions of loneliness and joy meet
a place where i find myself often, pondering
if i was only with you, i tell myself
things would be better
but there is no "you" to be with
there is only the golden idol that i've created in my mind
there are moments when i sit passively
and allow my mind to wander
all the way back to where you are
in the corners of my mind
that place i put you so i don't have to deal
with the constant image of your face
the incessant sound of your voice
i store you away and close my eyes
trying desperately to convinvce myself
that you are nothing more than a figment
of someone's imagination
that beautiful you could not possibly exist
in a world as violent and ugly as this
you could not possibly inhabit the same space
as those that i read about and encounter
on a daily basis
so i hide you in tupperware
and lock you away
hoping that the symbolism that i've created and placed upon you
will remain fresh in the expanse of my mind
and one day, i convince myself
all things will be made clear
all memory will be erased
i tell myself that maybe then i could be happy
because even though i know it's the greatest fallacy i will ever believe,
i still think spanning time with you would make me complete
because the truth is that i'm still learning
how to be strong enough to fully support myself
learning how to be happy without the interference
of another warm body beside mine,
another brain to theorize with,
another cheek to kiss
i still allow myself to believe that i am a puzzle
waiting to be completed by the jagged-edged piece
that is you.
why can i not let this go?
why can i not turn around and
allow myself some semblance of contentedness
and here at the beginning of a new year,
one of two holidays created specifically
to make you feel bad about yourself
i ask these questions out loud
because i don't know how else to internalize
all of these thoughts
i am a well dried up
free of any kind of reasoning or understanding
i am not desperate, depressed, or sad
i am just absolutely confused
about so many thoughts bursting in my head
like
explosions in the sky

a blur

Your face sank
As if weighed down with an anchor
You said, "Don't joke about that."
I wasn't joking.
It was the name I've stockpiled away for a rainy day.
A name I have long loved.
But I would share it with you, if you just asked.
I wish the mental picture I snapped in that moment
had not yet blurred at the edges.
I think you proceeded to ruin the moment
on purpose
as to not let me believe for one second longer
that it was fate that led me to you
I think you sacrificed the moment
for my protection
But I wish you would
have just let me have that one sparkling sliver of time
to claim a connection
I wish you would have given me that much
-
There is pain
Instilled in some from an early age, others from later in life
seasons are not always so merry
I would go to the ends
of the earth for you to feel better.
A soft light wafts through the air.
It guides you, I hope, to happier times
Ends may be nothing more than
the start of future beginnings
I'd like to believe that
-
The voice on my phone
Is heavy, sad, tired.
"I've got to go so she won't be alone on Christmas."
Your love and kindness continue
Long after the marriage vows have been broken.
I salute your steadfastness, your kindness.
Yet my heart still breaks for you
-
I told a joke today at the expense
Of a good man at the party.
I do not feel he is below me;
We are equal.
But I relegated his importance
for the sake of a punchline.
It never takes too long
for me to remember
Just how repulsive I am;
to remember the odor in
the stench of my soul.
-
I had my last drink at 6:45 am
By that point, you had made it clear
to me why our paths may never align.
Always searching for some better,
healthier, faster, stronger,
BIGGER
Many of your insecurities laid bare
I appreciated the openness.
I do not pretend to know you well
but I would have wanted to.
Had I not already known what your reaction would be
I would have taken your hand in that cab
I had already spilled blood and guts
in the middle of rum-induced rambling
You smiled.
You said heartfelt words in return.
But you'd heard it before.
I am not original.
I've never claimed as much.
But I was honest.
I still remember
what I said.
It is not a blur.
Unlike everything else
which will soon fade
into the recesses of memory

silence in dreams

In my dream, your hair looked the way it did in 2003.
It was soft.
Made your face look delicate.
Fragile.
Real.

We sat in the back of a car, but I don't know who was behind the wheel.
I stared at you, a stare that spoke softly and sent a "hello" for the first time
In a long time.

There was a blur around the edges.
As if the picture was not quite in focus.
But I could make you out in the haze.
I told you I was sorry.

You didn't speak.
But your smile accepted my apology.
We appeared there unshaken by the events of real life.

In the dream, you shone like a star.
And I was, for the first time in a long time, a sun that revolved around you.
During last night's sleep, I forgot pain.
Sadness.
The like.

I remember one night I told you I loved you.
And I told you that I meant it so strongly,
that I wanted to SCREAM it in your face.

Now I want to scream something different,
yet altogether the same.
I MISS YOU.
All of you.
Everything.
Even the bad stuff.
Even the mutual pain we caused.
Even the cold shoulders, the silent dismissals.
Every.
Thing.

But it doesn't matter in this world,
the only world we've got,
a world oustide of the dreams
in which you come back
from wherever you are,
and make me
happy again.

Of course I'll be alright.
I just had a bad night.

Two Years Later, Part 2

For completion's sake, I thought I should at least enter something into an entry that continues upon the themes of my initial return entry. But I don't feel the need to go in depth about the happenings of the last year and a half. The scabs of some wounds--those both inflicted and caused--still haven't healed completely. It would be unfair to too many to elaborate on them.

However, I can say that, on the whole, I have been geniunely displeased with myself and my conduct during this time span. Some terrible mistakes were made and some bridges were irrevocably burned. And now I'm left to occasionally sift through the ashes of my mistakes and try to find small semblences of meaning.

It is hard when you find yourself in a position where the only way to make yourself happy is by causing pain to someone else. My mom tells--in words that hint at a maternal wisdom I had not before fully contemplated--that hurting someone else is not always the worse thing in the world. It's never a good thing, understand, but when you're truly unhappy in a situation, you can never fully give yourself to somebody else. In those situations, "hurting" someone may actually be the best kind of help.

Maybe that's a selfish way of looking at things. I don't know. I find myself replaying events and conversations in my head daily; wondering if I made the right choices, if I said the right words. And the truth is that I don't know what to think of those things I've done. I hope that time finds a way to cast a positive light on the choices I had to make; that time softens the bumps and bruises caused by living. I hope.

I've been single for four months now. In that time, I've learned a lot about myself; things I had forgotten or stored away over the course of the previous five years and three relationships. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm learning to own up to who I am, accept it, and strive for things that heretofore seemed out of my reach. It's lonely somedays. I can't deny that. Sometimes I find myself longing for someone to share this life with on a daily basis. But those feelings come and go and I usually don't dwell on them for too long.

I don't know where things will go. Truthfully, I feel that it is unfair for me to get involved with anyone, or to make any radical life changes, while I'm still in such a general state of perpetual motion. How can you be stability for someone when your own stable-ness could be called into question? I feel that I'm starting to get my head screwed back on correctly and that process will continue to take some time.

I think things will be better for me once I move back to the area. In about a month or two, my brother and I are going to room up in the house my father owns. I am excited beyond words. The chance to live with my brother, to continue to connect with him, is thrilling. He has become the kind of person I always knew he was. He is growing up and the thing I love is that hsi spiritual maturity has grown exponentially. I feel as if--and this has always been the case, but if feels even stronger now--that I will learn far more from him than he will learn from me. But I think we both have things we can share with each other and I look forward to that.

And I look forward to trying to reconnect with some of the people I have lost touch with over these past two years. I hope my words convey strongly enough the sadness I feel for losing touch. Words mean shit. I know that. So I hope to show it with actions. Give me time and I will make amends, or do my best to do so.

The last two years have been a strange, beautiful, devastating trip. The wheels have stayed on the bus, so to speak, but that doesn't mean the bus hasn't come dangerously close to careening off the cliff from time to time. But I think I have made it through and this period of learning and growing--that I overestimated to begin with--is coming to a close. I'm glad. I want off this track and back onto some sort of stable ground. I want to return to my roots and continue my journey in a setting that is not so hostile and threatening; so unfamiliar.

And so that is where things stand, two years later. Keep me in your thoughts and I will keep you in mine. And when I learn how to pray again, in a way that has real meaning, I will think of you then and make up for all this time lost.

If you're reading this, know you have my love. Always have.

Until next time...

Be safe and sound.

with all the ? marks

This is a question that will float into the air, like a balloon in the wind...but maybe that's what questions are meant to do...

How is it that we reconcile with those things our brain tells us to disbelieve?

It has become, in essence, the defining question of my twenties. I can't seem to let unbridled faith play the integral part in life that it once did. I was never strong enough, of course, but it had its place in the past. And yet, these days, I can't seem to disconnect my "knowledge" of this world (whatever that means exactly) and those things that I want to believe. There seems, to my eyes, to be too great a gap between what my mind knows and what my soul wants to feel.

I've often wondered if spiritual faith is actually just the greatest sccare tactic ever forced upon me. It has become almost impossible to escape the thoughts and beliefs that were instilled upon me at a young age. You know what there are if you've ever spent any time in the church. You are told to believe these things because they are righteous, true, real, important, and the only reason for living. And yet, the subtext, whether implied or verbally spoken, is that you are to believe these things because if you don't....you will pay prices greater than you can imagine.

The fear factors of Sunday school.

The problem with this for me has always been that the fear seems to overshadow the faith. Even now, when I'm struggling with religion and spirituality and Christianity more than ever before, I feel and hear things in my psyche. Things that say, You know this is the truth! Come back! I feel and hear these things in my head and in my heart, but how real are they?

I've been so inundated with fear over the years that I can't determine if these voices are geniune calls from a creator or if it's just my subconscious, ever so softly reminding me that all that I was taught says that I'm going to hell, and hell is coming soon, if I don't turn this ship around quickly.

The fear of being wrong is slowly overpowering the joy of being right. And that's what I'm struggling with and have been struggling with and only feel comfortable bringing up on this page, which as we've already established, is probably not being read. For the time being, that's probably a good thing. I can use this as my sounding board. Maybe I can talk some things out for myself.

We'll see.